


Only as dead can I have true love.

by hidinginmyroom



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, One Shot, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:46:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidinginmyroom/pseuds/hidinginmyroom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has never really been that happy and when the pain gets too much for him, he finds a way to cope with it. Until one day he doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only as dead can I have true love.

Harry was happy, he really was. He had everything he could ever want and so much more. It was just sometimes he was not happy. Not at all. Everything about it was weird, he would go from being on top of the world to feeling like ending everything. To just let it be over. He didn't want to feel like this, but it was nothing he could do about it. The bad feelings would just come out of the blue, and there was never a reason why. They just were there, and they made everything fall apart.

Most of the time he could hide them, he could make everybody believe that he was fine. Nobody would see when he got sad, they didn't notice the times when his smile would not reach his eyes or when his laugh had to be forced. Harry was just that good at pretending to be fine when he needed too. He always had, and nobody could see what was behind the wall he put up around himself. 

He was used to the feeling coming at random times and making it hard for him to do anything, but he was making it work. Or he had been making it work. The bad times had become so much worse after he got famous. Because when he felt bad about himself now, he would find and read bad thing other said about him, and that would make him feel even worse. 

In the beginning he had no way of cooping with that, he had never felt as bad before and he couldn't even put on a smile and try to be okay. Noting could make him smile and nothing could make the feelings go away. So he was feeling more depressed and it lasted longer, and he had no way of making it go away. Until he had. 

It had been silly at first, he had thought about it as a joke. He had done that for a long time, thinking and never doing. Never ever doing. It had been a crazy thing for him, something he couldn't understand. He never understood why people did it, never understood what the big deal was about it. He hadn't thought it would help, and he had never thought he would become so addicted to it.

The first time it was just hot water, not that hot, but just so hot it made his skin hurt and become all red. He had been feeling like hell for weeks and nothing made it go away. When he was taking a shower he had thought that it wouldn't hurt to try, nothing else had worked so why not ?

Next time when he felt bad he had hit himself, and when he had first started he couldn't stop. So he had ended up with more bruises then he could find excuses for. The boys had asked about them, and when they stopped believing Harrys crazy and bad reasons for having all those bruises he knew he had to stop. The fans had started to see them too, and he didn't want anybody to know. He was way too embarrassed.

That was the reason why he had never considers cutting, it was something he couldn't hide them. And there was no way in hell he could find any excuses for having cuts on his wrist. So when the thought had hit him, only thinking about it had made him feel better. It had made everything better. But only for a little while. Feeling fine never lasted for Harry.

Where the idea had come for, he didn't know. Maybe he read about somebody doing it or maybe it had just pooped into his head. Because, he had other part of his body that he could cut on, he could cut on his thighs, where his underwear would always hide it form everybody. And so he did.

It had only started with a few cuts, and only when he was feeling really really awful. Then the cuts became deeper and there was more of them, and Harry needed the feeling of cutting more and more to feel fine. It was the only thing that could get him through the day. Not even Louis could make him feel better. Louis was even becoming one of the thing that made Harry feel bad. 

He didn't want to love him, he really didn't. It just happened, and he couldn't help it. He really couldn't. Louis on the other hand, didn't see it that way. He told Harry to stop, and that what Harry was feeing was wrong and disgusting. This made everything worse. He didn't understand why Louis got so mad, because he did understand that they could never be together. Louis was with Eleanor and he knew that Louis wasn't gay, and that he would never love Harry that way. 

Harry knew, and he was fine about it. Louis was not, he would avoid him and always do what ever he could to never sit next to Harry and he would never talk to him like before. It really hurt and it made Harrys bad feeling become stronger and it was the thing that made the cuts much deeper than they had ever been. They became so deep that it was hard for Harry to make the stop bleed. He knew it was bad. It was really out of control, and it had been for a long time. 

He had just not seen it, because he had only wanted to feel better, to make the pain in his chest go away and to be able to laugh. He really just wanted to be able to laugh without having to force it. It was the one thing he wanted most in this world. Beside form Louis that was, but he could never have Louis. Not like he wanted, and now Louis was going in every other way too.

Louis was not his best friend anymore, because it was not something Louis could deal with. Having Harry being in love with him. Harry knew why, but he wouldn't tell Louis, he had to figure it out himself. Because Louis didn't love Eleanor, he loved Harry, but Louis was afraid of being gay. So he hid behind his relationship with Eleanor and he stopped talking to Harry. He even stopped looking at Harry.

This was what pushed Harry over the edge, the last thing that made him feel so bad that he just wanted to end it all so he never had to wake up again. Because knowing that Louis loved him but didn't want to be with him actually broke Harry, and nobody saw it. 

It did something to him that made him not able to ever feel better, not even a little. Nothing he did after that could ever make him feel better. Not the cutting, that became worse and worse. Until the day when Harry gave up. He knew that he never could be fine again. He would never be able to smile with his eyes or to laugh for real. He just wouldn't.

So Harry decided to end it, because what else could he do ? There was nothing left in him, nothing left to save. He was just broken and there was nothing but Louis that could put the pieces back together. 

The day Harry ended his life he told Louis that it was okay, that he understood why Louis was being the way his was. He told Louis that there was nothing Louis could ever do to hurt him, because he knew that it wasn't Louis fault. This he told to Louis to his face, and right before ending everything he left Louis a note.

A note telling Louis about everything, about how he felt sad all the time and how the he had started cutting to feel better. He told Louis how and why he fell in love with him, and how he figured out that Louis loved him to. Harry told Louis that he understood why Louis didn't want to be together with him and in the last sentences of his suicide letter Harry told Louis that he ended it because he could never be happy without being with Louis. 

Louis was the one the found Harry, only hours after he had cut both of his wrist wide open. He had gone to the hospital with him and watched as Harry died right in front of him. Then after breaking down and realising that he really had been in love with Harry he had gone home and found Harrys letter. Witch had broken Louis the same way Harry had been broken. 

One year later, one that same day, Louis had killed himself. In the same room and in the same way as Harry. Leaving behind a letter only saying: “Only as dead can I have true love”


End file.
